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My body is being ravaged. Pillaged, havoc-wreaked. Last night, I got a total of…three hours of sleep and spent the night shouting in my sleep and trying to soothe my throbbing head and aching throat. When sickness pounces, it really gets in there.

A lot of aspects of my life have been colliding lately. It seems more than often when things come down, they come down all together, and in a rush. I found out an old boyfriend of mine, whom my family hates and will hate this entry–but it happens, is soon to be engaged. This was a relationship that was long, drawn out, and ruined thanks to my Borderline. But before I learned of his impending engagement, I had been thinking of him a lot, you know how certain things can associate? Hot showers, Medics, February; they all remind me of him. I even found a video on youtube the other day he’d made. It was filmed at his house, and everything about it cut me open with a fresh sense of loss. The bed the way I remember, the fridge I’d rummaged, his little poodle, and even seeing him just how I recall him, shaggy haired, lip ringed, and those arms I would have killed to have hold me–made me want him all the more. But, that’s a part of BPD so I hear, getting attached much too fast, and only wanting things you can’t have. I hope he’s happy in his new life, truly.

My computer has been afire with writing. It’s been hitting me in waves, and i am running with it. Don’t know how much longer it will last, and i want to groove it while I can, ya’know? I’ve been deep into my head lately, which doesn’t help at all. I thought if I didn’t update now, it may have never happened. Holidays are coming, too. I hate winter.


Let the sun shine.

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